Ugly Emotions

Some of the worst feelings in the world:

• Betrayal by someone close to you. Not only do you lose trust in them, but in yourself because you trusted them.
• The cognitive dissonance that results when realizing that, in spite of multiple betrayals and injuries at the hands of someone close to you, you still love them, but have to guard against them to keep yourself safe.
• The helplessness at seeing a loved one drive headlong towards a cliff, be it mental, spiritual, or actual.
• The poisoned feeling that comes with the realization that, having been treated with such repeated cruelty, or thoughtlessness by someone you love, you no longer want for them to be happy, or healthy, but to feel some way that their actions would seem to deserve.
• The anticipatory glee at the notion of this person going off their cliff, and “earning” their “just” desserts. To actually take joy in someone else’s suffering is to have no love in you. Or, pathetically, to act as if.
• To realize that one has felt any of these ways, and mistaken them for strength.
• The abject terror that comes after making the previous realization; in order to be honest, whole, and moral you can’t retreat into the bitter, cruel, and vicious for safety. You have to feel all the icky, small, and powerless stuff without shields, and especially without blade in hand. And you will get hurt.