RetroZome™ (Older Piece)

A Commercial-

       

Announcer: Are you disappointed that your child got your eyes, but his hair? Are you tired of looking into that little face and seeing your ex? Does your stepchild present too many traits of the man his mother calls “the donor”?

             

Fear not! RetroZome™ is here! Just insert a drop of blood from the preferred source into the patented Zome Reader Chamber ™, and PRESTO! The genome is instantly mapped!

                          

Then, following the instructions on the easy-to-use touch-screen, select the traits you want to over-write in your child. The RetroZome™ creates a retro-virus containing the genes for those traits, that will then bond with your child’s DNA, giving you the perfect child!

                  

Amazing? Yes!

                     

Improbably Hot Soccer-Mom-Looking Spokes-Model: But how do I get the new DNA into my child? (Poutingly) I’m not a doctor, and I hate needles.

                         

Announcer: Never fear! Anyone can use RetroZome™! We know how difficult children can be about trips to the doctor. That’s why we’ve made RetroZome™ completely Doctor Free!

                        

You see, after creating the retro-virus, it packages it in this delicious looking lollipop! It's as easy as giving candy to a baby!

                      

(A happy, energetic, big-eared toddler is given a lollipop by unseen hands, while ‘BEFORE’ flashes at the bottom of the screen. Next we see the same toddler with normal ears, a vacant expression, and red eyes, while ‘AFTER’ flashes at the bottom.)

                       

We guarantee RetroZome™ 100%! If your child is not perfect after one treatment, we will refund your purchase price! So what have you got to lose? Except the imperfections in an otherwise perfect child! Call now!

                        

Warnings: side effects may include, pain, discomfort, delusions, hallucinations, sweats, fever, infections, chills, hot flashes, mood swings, psychotic episodes, sudden chemical dependencies including but not limited to nicotine alcohol and crystal methamphetamine. Sudden weight gain, weight loss, hair growth, hair loss have been reported. Tourette spectrum disorders including but not limited to OCD ADD ADHD Tourette Syndrome ODD and others are not uncommon. Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and warts have also been reported. Use only with human DNA. Do not use with the DNA of a pre-existing parent, sibling, grandparent, or other close blood relative. Do not use on a full grown adult without consent. Excess DNA rewriting may cause permanent mutation. Do not use on self before driving, or operating heavy machinery. 0.0000012% of patients could experience super-heating, followed by spontaneous human combustion. Talk to your doctor about RetroZome™!