Walters' Rules of Wrist 6-20-14

Rules of Wrist 6-20-14

Wounded People

 Healing

Deciding you are healed does not make it so. Positive attitude only goes so far. Real healing takes work and time. And it doesn’t count if you haven’t done the work, just waited a while and declared yourself healed.

Over-simplified metaphorical example: A wound that needs stitches will likely not close on its own; do the work, get the stitches. Waiting for it to close will just leave you open to infection.

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Appearances

Being able to parrot socially acceptable views on anger and hatred doesn’t mean you are not angry and hateful; it may just mean you’re so adept at psychological camouflage that you can even hide from yourself.

See Healing.

Seeming is NOT being. The truth is truth, regardless of manipulated public perception, and the truth always comes out.

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 Therapy

Believing yourself immune to therapy is a self-fulfilling prophesy. It also demonstrates a weak ego that needs cheap validation, and a deeply ingrained dishonesty. In “proving” therapy’s ineffectiveness, you are “proving” yourself “right”, and can tell yourself and the world “I tried, but it didn’t work”.

And you can brag that your problems are so bad that they can’t be fixed, casting yourself, at least in your mind, as some kind of superlative, ie “The Worst”, or “The Sickest”, or “The Walkingest Wounded”.

The goal of therapy is to get to the Why of some pervasive thought or feeling that makes your life worse. In fulfilling your own prophesy you are avoiding self-examination and getting at the truth.

The reasons why you sought help did not simply go away just because you wasted a therapist’s time on an exercise of self-congratulation.

See Healing.

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Saviors

No one is going to “hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back together”, especially not a lover.

Don’t put that burden on someone else.

Don’t sabotage any chance at a successful relationship by this expectation of superhumanity from your lover. You WILL discover that they are JUST human, and your disappointment will be cruel. 
It will ruin your relationship. And likely has ruined others in the past.

If you identify with the notion of having “broken pieces” that need to be stuck “back together”, then you are probably wounded. If you are wounded, you need healing.

But this:

Is bullshit, a fantasy of a quick fix. It’s a daydream of using another person, not just as a drug, but as a cure. And, if that is your goal in a relationship, you should probably remain alone. And you need healing.

Piece Written and Read at Beat Night 6-19-14: Post Hibernation April Bikeride

 The first featured reader read something 

mentioning "Rocky". 

That was all I needed to hear. 

This is the result.
There have been very minor edits.

Post Hibernation April Bikeride

Winter &

            Excuses

Have left me

at my drinking weight

& aching

But I ride anyway;

Advised to

go easy

by the well-meaning,

it’s not a whole lie

to say I’ll Try;

But I ride

            &

            Things ache

& now there’s

a big

            damned

                        hill

&halfway up

            my lost condition

pounds my pulse in my

            temples

&as I wobble

            &sweat

a 75 year old man

            passes me

                        unwinded

with “On Your Left”;

My internal dialogue

            takes the form of some medieval fantasy drama

            Like I’m on an epic

                        quest;

My mind releases the Phantom Advisor,

            the on-board critic

                        and maker of logical excuses;

He says

            “There’s no shame in surrender”

            I reply

            “There’s no

glory

in it, either!”

The hilltop

is hundreds

of

yards

            ahead

& I set my eyes on it

banning from my head

the idea of rest

until I’m past the

            crest;

My pulse

            cold sweat

            & ragged breath

Weave into the rhythm of

burning legs

            (the bad one going

                        numb)

& a song congeals,

a music to inspire.

            heard clearly in my

                        head:

The Theme From Rocky;

But I can’t just

cheer myself on;

Some part of my psyche

            rewrites the words:

Gonna Die Now,

Gonna Die Now;

& The beat is PERFECT

& the crest is nearer

& had I the breath I’d sing along out loud;

& my heart is exerts enough

            force

to make a vein in my

            lower lip

                        JUMP,

an upside down

            Bugsy Siegel tic;

And the Phantom Advisor,

whose advise is always
“You can’t”

Says

“You ARE

            gonna die

                        now!

Your brain flooded and wiped away

            by the firehouse PSI

                        of an aneurysm,

or your heart

            popped

            or crushed

                        or just

stopped.

And you’ll be found

            here

                        at the side of the road,

Fat,

            Pathetic,

                        And Dead.

And the EMTs are all gonna laugh at you!”

& I tell that hateful voice

“If I’m dead I won’t care!

And if this little hill

            kills me

Then I deserve

            to die!”

And I crest the hill.

            The brass in the Rocky Theme

            blare its last note.

I let myself coast

            gravity my engine for a while;

My heart eases,

and breath slows,

And though I’ve nothing extra for a victory cry

I revel in the cavernous silence in my mind,

as a certain voice

says not

a fucking thing.

Chris Walters

June 19, 2014

An Unsent Letter To Michigan DOT date 9/6/2006

I lived in an awful place, and an awful state of mind. The only good thing about the mindset that produced this was moment of clarity that stopped me sending it.

To: Michigan Department of Transportation, Head of Road Planning, Metro Region

From: Everyone who has driven on civilized, well planned roads outside of your jurisdiction. (Civilized, well planned roads includes Boston.)

Dear Asstard,

What in the name of the Almighty Murphy’s Hairy Balls possesses you? You and anyone working for you obviously do not drive on the roads you so ineptly plan. How the Holy Fuck can you sign off on this shit and be pleased with yourselves? Is this one of those mafia “no-show” jobs gone white-collar?

Why, in order to get onto an interstate in this state, does someone usually have to turn across traffic, that having driven on your substandard artillery-paved surfaces for their whole lives, is too fucking angry to slow down for someone else?

Why is it that 90% of speed limit signs are obstructed, causing most overly cautious drivers to drive at 30 MPH everywhere? Was this done on purpose to artificially inflate the safe driving statistics?

Why do you not allow left turns onto most major surface streets? Why do you necessitate the “Michigan Left” which in every other state, county, and parish of this country is called a U-Turn? Why do you allow well meaning fucktards to plant view-obstructing shrubbery anywhere one of these turns is made?

Are you all drunk? I mean like Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas stupid-ass-hammered. It would be understandable living in the Metro Region. However, there are very successful programs for that. Please enter one.

If substance abuse is not the problem then can I assume that budget cuts have forced the hiring of angry lower primates, such as baboons? If that is the case please teach the creatures to drive, so they have a more accurate idea of how to do their jobs.

If not drunk, and not plagued with carnivorous monkeys, then really guys, what the fuck? These roads suck. They are dangerous, poorly planned, and falling apart.

There is one final possibility; perhaps you have given up, realizing that nothing you will ever do will make a difference, and that if shit keeps decaying the Feds will eventually step in and fix it. I hear the Feds can afford to hire chimpanzees that have completed courses in basic logic. This would definitely be a step up.

In closing I humbly extend this invitation to Blow Me.

Fuck You Very Much,

CSW