*Some behaviors of a bully:
1. When called out on wronging someone, even a friend, they laugh it off.
1A. When pressed on the matter they say “Stop being so hypersensitive”, making it the fault of the wronged party for feeling wronged.
1B. When pressed still further they act as though it’s an offense against them to suggest their behavior was unacceptable.
1C. Bullies will gaslight you, meaning they will seize on any aspect of your character that could, in any circumstance, render your judgment questionable, and use it against you to get out of blame. For example, if you have anxiety then they couldn’t possibly be driving too fast.
2. They only apologize if there are consequences for their actions, such as loss of freedom, money, goods, or social standing, or physical violence against their person.
2A. Such apologies are usually delivered angrily, in order to demonstrate the burden such a thing entails. The apology also will likely contain justifications for the behavior, probably some victim blaming, and not express any regret for committing the offense, just for the consequences suffered by the bully.
3. If the bully feels wronged in some way, in their mind it is worse than anything they have ever done to anyone else, and they must have justice.
4. When told that a belief they have is wrong a bully will raise their voice to try and intimidate the person into not correcting them, most especially in front others. The truth of the matter is irrelevant; someone correcting them is unacceptable. They will loudly spout convoluted nonsense, and consider it a victory if the other person gives up.
5. They can’t tell the difference between not being allowed to bully others and being bullied themselves.
Thoughts on dealing with bullies:
*When a person has decided not to put up with the bullying anymore there is rarely any way, short of actual violence, to change the bully’s behavior. Violence has consequences that potentially include jail, injury, and social repercussions. Consider carefully.
*If the bully is a family member, or has been considered a friend, and the bullying has been emotional rather than violent, then attempting to change the dynamic of the relationship will probably not work. The victim is subordinate and, according to the bully, must stay in their role. If you determine you are too good for such treatment, then consider yourself too good for trying to change the unchangeable, and be done with that person.
*Some bullies were made so by being victims themselves. Some are born assholes. Some are even just plain evil. The victim-type can change, but they must do the work. The others can’t change. It doesn’t matter which version you’re dealing with; you can’t fix them. If you can avoid them, do so.
* Bullying born of victimization often shows as a hatred of victims for their weakness. This is self-directed spite being externalized; it is a traumatized person punishing the weakness of their past self as represented by another person.
Victim-bullies can be bizarrely insensitive. For example a rape victim saying “I can’t believe she’s not over it. I got raped and I’m over it”.
Two things to note:
1. They aren’t over
it
2. You can’t help
them
See to your own wellbeing, and don’t put up
with being mistreated. It’s up to them to get help.*The three types of bullies and violence:
No bully backs down because of a threat they consider empty. Many specialize in empty threats, so think all threats are empty. If they have never seen you engage in violence then they won’t believe that you’ll hit them just because you say so.
Victim-bullies may not back down if a single punch is thrown. They are likely suffering untreated post-traumatic stress, and any violence against them may be a trigger for them, making them even more violent. Even if you’re defending yourself. If you have no choice but to fight you must fight until they stop.
A born asshole (ie a clinical narcissist) will probably call the cops if you throw the first punch, and scream and yell about how they didn’t deserve that, no matter what they’ve done to you. However, if they initiate violence and you beat them down, they may avoid you forever.
Someone evil (a psychopath) will gladly just kill or maim you with no second thoughts. If you manage to beat them in a fight they will jump you later, or shoot you in the back. The only way to be safe from them is to kill them, but this could land you in prison. They are best avoided entirely.
-More as it occurs to me.
