I’ve been thinking about the days when I was the host of
Beat Night Open Mic. It meant a lot to me, and leaving, even in a temporary
manner, was very difficult. When I left New England in 2005 I expected to only
be gone for a year, after which I’d resume my post. That year turned into two.
When I finally returned to the area I was not able to resume my duties due to a
relapse of depression (a lifelong struggle) and a home situation that wouldn’t
allow me to guarantee my participation every month.
Depression
frequently causes shame and embarrassment, which partly explains any
unwillingness to share this before. Also, there’s a feeling of worthlessness,
making one think “No one would care about my problems”.
In the time
of my absence from hosting the event changed, as events do. By the time my
domestic situation had improved, and my depression had remitted, I knew some of
the aforementioned changes* would impair my enjoyment of the event. Knowing
myself, I knew I not could adapt to these changes, and felt it would be
inappropriate to demand the event adapt to me. Hence I let it go.
More recently
I’ve developed some physical health issues that directly impact my ability to
even attend a live music event, let alone participate. Chiefly is an occasional
partial hearing loss with headaches, but also problems with my voice if I have
to speak loudly for more than a few minutes. Consequently, my ability to even
be an audience member is now limited.
In thinking
about the days of being the host, I have not only a degree of nostalgia, but a grain
of guilt: I never explained my not taking back the reins, though I had been
expected to do. Here is that explanation. I would also like apologize, very belatedly,
for not honoring my word. I’m sorry.
Chris Walters
Chris Walters
October, 2015
*The changes I most
object to are:
+The ever more
flexible start time, but the firm end time. The open mic gets punished for
that. I’d want the end time to be as flexible so each portion gets the same
amount of time, unlike, on some nights, 90 minutes featured, 30 (25) minutes
open.
+The new Press Room
sound system. With only 2 powered speakers up front it is impossible to
make the readers
audible to the entire room. The stage monitors are ineffective as well, meaning
readers can’t even hear themselves. One of my rules was that no one talks over
the readers. Now there’s no way to enforce it, so everyone talks over the
readers like it’s another night at the bar.
