Rule Of Wrist 10-26-10

It's a tragedy when someone's whole life is an attempt at feeling as little pain as possible. A lack of pain is not pleasure, nor is it love, nor is it accomplishment. 

A lack of pain is not necessarily evidence of intelligent decisions, but of risks not taken. 
 
Life hurts. It hurts because there is love in it, and loss. Too much control exerted means shielding yourself from both.

On Women's Notion of Beauty and Attractiveness

Women’s Notions of Feminine Beauty and Attractiveness

I was talking to a very good friend yesterday, mentioning that there was a young woman I like to look at in Breaking New Grounds.

“Is she hot?” asked my friend, an extraordinarily attractive woman herself.

 

“Good Christ, yes!” was my reply.

“I don’t think of myself of as ‘hot’ anymore.”

“Well that’s stupid of you.”

She appreciated my compliment, backhandedly expressed as it was, but explained that, after 30, she no longer cared about making the effort to impress people, and get attention for her looks. This started me thinking about how women think about their appearances, and how men view them. I came to the unshakable conclusion that, ladies, y’all are fucked up on this subject. Alright, not all of you, but on the whole, you’ve got it wrong.

And, yes, men don’t generally help. The thing is we’d help more, but the appearance industry would make less money if guys like me were listened to.

Start with this thought:

A woman’s attractiveness is in no way proportional to the time she spends in front of the mirror.

 

Think how many women you’ve ever seen wearing so much makeup their faces could barely emote. Did this look good, or more like a mask that was put on? A scary one?

There are two important aspects to attractiveness: physical attributes, and personality.

The young woman at BNG I mentioned was in t-shirt and jeans, and wearing no make-up. One of the reasons I find her so attractive is that I've talked to her.

My rule:

It is patently impossible for a woman who is empty or ugly inside to be beautiful, regardless of what she looks like; most celebutantes and their ilk merely photograph well.

In September I attended a poetry reading, and one of the featured readers was a woman I wouldn’t have given a second glance to just seeing her: she was short, round, bespectacled, and had a big ol’ fro. Appearance did not do it for me. However, when she started her first poem, a piece about how the media had no say over how she felt about herself, or her appearance it was as if a spell had been cast, pulling the scales from eyes. As she recited she had a glow increased to a fire, and she radiated warmth, and true self-love until she was the light in the room.

So:

If what’s inside is magic, nothing outside can hide it.

And:

Self-acceptance is magic. Self-love is powerful magic.

There is also a notion among many women that attractiveness and sexiness are the same thing. THEY ARE NOT. Have a look at the Widow Garret from the show ‘Deadwood’. That character was not portrayed in any overtly sexual way, but she was alluring, and beautiful. The way she dressed is one I’d characterize as just pretty, because that was how it was in that time period. Examine the era the show was set in: even the most interesting women’s clothes were anything but sexy, but the ideas behind many of them still make an impression today with elegance, refinement, color. Sexuality didn’t have to be overt; designers knew that men would go there in their minds anyway, so why just take them?

Whenever I see a woman who is intentionally “all tarted up”, short skirt, high heels, the whole nine, my impression is always that she is either hunting cock, or unaware that she appears to be hunting cock.

From listening to women (because I do that) I understand that there are many purposes to an overtly sexualized appearance. The ones that don’t make me wince, though, are the ones that have to do directly with sex: their own exhibitionism, or their man’s; a genuine cock hunt (a woman with confidence to be unapologetically sexual, even promiscuous if that’s her wish, has a special kind of allure).

When the appearance is assumed to gain some type of advantage in business dealings, or to otherwise outright manipulate a man then I don’t want to look anymore; attractiveness diminishes at that point. It’s rather whorish, and, most times, I prefer sluts to whores; they’re more likely to do what they do for the enjoyment.

 

Beauty is beauty, and fuckability is fuckability.

Related to this is the notion that high heels are the end all of sexy footwear. Breaking your ankle on the brick sidewalks of Portsmouth is not sexy. Walking like you’re afraid of breaking your ankle is not sexy.

Being confident enough to wear what looks good on you, rather than what some rule tells you to wear is much more likely to be sexy.

So one final thought before I leave this for piece to get coffee:

The way to tell if a woman is beautiful: listen to her; but if she doesn’t listen to herself, you may not be able to hear her.

(For those who are wondering, by my stated standard my "extraordinarily attractive" friend is beautiful. All my female friends are; I'm too much a snob to have it else ways.)

A Message To All Readers

At the bottom of each post there are reaction buttons. Use of these buttons is totally anonymous.  I can't know who said what.

Just letting you know.

Rule of Wrist 10-20-10

It is not possible to "get over" someone while you are with that someone. Your feelings can change, sour, even become hostile, but while you are with that someone you are not getting over them. Think of it like this: you can't recover from the flu while you are in the grips of the flu. 

Rule of Wrist 10-18-10

Some people, with fantastically delicate egos, would rather commit an ever growing series of crimes just to not have to admit they lied, cheated, or behaved like a douchebag in a single instance.

The latticework of bullshit they construct to obscure their initial folly/douchebaggery is so intricate that they forget details of it, and get angry at others for pointing out the inconsistencies in it. It's a great personal offense to them that their great labor is not appreciated, completely ignoring the fact that it's born from a dishonest action, and built up into a major pathology.

Walters' Rules of Wrist 10-17-10

Rules of Wrist 10-17-10

Just because they say nothing complimentary doesn’t mean they hate you; you really may be an asshole. In fact, calling you an asshole may be the only loving action left to them.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Just because they say only complimentary things doesn’t mean they love you; they could very well be delusional. And you could still be an asshole.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If all your friendships, or romantic entanglements have always gone a certain way, and all you’ve done is change friends/partners maybe you were the problem all along.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Cutting people out of your life because they criticize you is not the same as removing the negative influences.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Equating criticism with hatred or insanity is a childish attempt to get out of blame.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sometimes people act hurt because YOU HURT THEM.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sometimes a person is so hurt that they can’t possibly act in a way that reflects kinder feelings towards the one that hurt them until the pain subsides. Live with it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It is entirely possible for someone who cares about you to have a view about you and your actions that you don’t like. They still care. That view might even prove it.

Walters' Rules of Wrist To Date 10-17-10

The reflexes developed from parenting are hard wired, and permanent, as long as the instinct was there to begin with.

Seeing someone younger, or less capable about to enter a problem you can help with will trigger these reflexes. If they are not a child, and especially not your child

YOU HAVE TO ASK FIRST

before helping. The presumption of superiority frequently makes ones' help totally unwelcome. But, if you ask, and they accept, help away BEING CONSCIOUS OF BOUNDARIES THE WHOLE TIME.

+++++++++++++++++++++

It is no one's sole job to take care of everyone else. Some people believe that it is, and deny themselves care, caring, comfort, kindness, honest compliments, or decent treatment because they believe it's their job to provide those for others.

But if your own supply isn't restocked from outside what have you to give?

You are just as deserving of decency, care, and good treatment as those you give those things to. No, not "But". Shush. I'm right.

+++++++++++++++++++++

You feel how they make you feel.

Wait. Rewrite.

You feel how YOU LET THEM make you feel.

Yes. That’s it.

If they try to make you feel bad DON’T LET THEM.

If they make you feel good LET THEM*.

While it's true that you feel how you feel, and can't decide otherwise, you can decide what stimuli you have in your life.

You have a say in what actions you accept towards yourself. If you’re upset because you read an email/letter/msg from someone whose communications regularly upset you, that’s not really them upsetting you; that’s you allowing yourself to be upset. Do you have a good reason for communicating with them, ie kids, business, property, family? No? DON’T DEAL WITH THEM.

Conversely, if someone regularly sends/says things that make you feel good accept them, and revel/bask. If it feels good to be around them do so.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Figure out what your brick wall is and stop fucking headbutting it, because it ain’t coming down. Doing the same thing hoping for different results is nuts.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Any conditioned reflex or compulsion can be retrained. Even instincts can be ignored. We are the only animal who can choose to act contrary to instincts. No matter what your life has taught you to do/think/feel you can choose to do differently.

Drunks can stop drinking.

Smokers can stop smoking.

Co-dependents can stop running to their side when they call.

You have a choice, even if that choice is to behave in a way completely foreign to yourself. Yes, doing something new and different is the unknown. Yes, the unknown is frightening. But it might not hurt. Hell, it might even feel good. What you’ve been doing hurts. Isn’t that a worthy gamble?

+++++++++++++++++++++

If he regularly buys you expensive gifts, and he’s not rich, he thinks you’re his future. Really. No, he’s not just generous. Dumbass. Seriously. Dumbass.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Informed consent is the key to anything working out. Accurate self-assessment is the key to informed consent. If someone is emotionally, or intellectually incapable of accurate self-assessment then their consent will never be fully informed. Two people similarly incapable will involve themselves in a mess.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Spending time with the Old, and the New does not synthesize one perfect partner. Your feelings, and motivations are very suspect if you do.

+++++++++++++++++++++

If you want them to move on LET THEM. If you say you want them to move on act like it.

+++++++++++++++++++++

If you want to move on, do that. Acting contrary to feelings that may prevent that. See several rules above.

+++++++++++++++++++++

If you're comparing the new to the old constantly you haven't really moved on.

+++++++++++++++++++++

How you think of someone you are interested in must only be based on that person, not them in comparison to another.

+++++++++++++++++++++

A way to tell someone really loves you: they know everything about you and love you in spite of it.

BUT

Telling them everything doesn’t mean they know everything.

BECAUSE

Some people decide to feel a certain way, and refuse to let their actions be influenced by reality at all. Sometimes they want it to be true so badly they don't actually hear anything anyone says. They may have fallen in a short time for a false image of you, and can't let go of it no matter what you have done in the past.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Someone who’s made up their mind to feel a certain way doesn’t really feel that way. They can act like they do, and sometimes feelings will adjust to the action. But more often the feeling doesn’t develop, and it leaves the person seeming desperate or crazy acting as though it has. There’s always a sense of trying to stay ahead of something. Sometimes this artificial decided-on feeling becomes ritualized, even dogmatic. But it isn't real.

The most tragic of these type of feelings is that which a person believes they should feel. He treats me well so I should love him. She treats me badly so I shouldn't love her. I was taught this in church so I should feel it's true. YOU FEEL HOW YOU FEEL. There is nothing you can do about that. You can act counter to your feelings, but you can't make your feelings run counter to themselves.

Not acting on real feelings can be sensible, and kind. Acting on decided-on feelings is false, and can be terribly cruel.

+++++++++++++++++++++

It doesn’t matter someone’s chronological age, or their ability to hold a job. They can be a child regardless.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Being Dumbasses, Control Freaks mistake deciding when and how they hurt for controlling hurt. They write off whole possibilities, and allow real love to pass them by just to avoid being swept up in an unknown, and maybe get hurt in a way they didn't plan on.

What they don't realize is that in narrowing the scope of their actions they are not minimizing only the risk of damage, but joy as well. That vigilance against pain, that need to control outcomes doesn't allow for wild happiness; only tame, manufactured, safe contentment. In the final balance all the safe, predictable things a Control Freak actually does are dwarfed by the potential they have shut themselves off from. These people allow fear to rule their lives, and that's just sad.

So are the "What ifs" that will pop up in quiet moments forever: What If he meant every word? What If she was sorry? What If they really did forgive me? Etc, and so forth. Those are not good company in your old age.

The only thing Control Freak should ever try to control is the need to control outcomes. Then at least if they get hurt it's whole, real pain they can grow from, instead of managed, regulated, medicated half-pain that leaves them broken. Because in the end, the regret over not having honestly tried with someone hurts so much worse than the pain of them leaving. And there are no drugs, drinks, or rebounds that can dull that hurt.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Pisces actually rule the world; we're just really passive-aggressive about it.

+++++++++++++++++++++

If you are angry, upset, vexed or annoyed at

them

because they haven't forgiven

you

for hurting

their

feelings

you have none.

+++++++++++++++++++++

When getting advice on relationships it's good to consider whether the adviser has ever had a successful one. Consider: are they married, and for how long; if single, do they date anyone who isn't married; have they ever been involved with anyone who wasn't insane? If your adviser has had a long run of unhappy, unsuccessful relationships then take their advice with a grain of salt. Or a fifth of tequila. Because even if they say something you like that you believe leads to happiness it's meaningless; you can't use as a guide someone who's never been there.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Conversely, commiserating with someone who has fucked up in similar or identical ways will actually lead you to somewhere better, provided you want to not be the person who fucks up like that anymore. Knowing you're not alone makes a big difference.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Asking different people until you hear what you want is for teenagers. Adults know the real answer is the one they don't want to hear, but hear repeatedly.

+++++++++++++++++++++

All the rationalization in the world will not shield you from Karma.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Anything born of another's anguish is not worth the price.

+++++++++++++++++++++

After causing great harm to another some people say "I didn't mean to..." Or "That wasn't my intention..." to which the Universe replies "Karma's in the mail".

(The wronged party is entitled to "Go to hell", or "Go fornicate yourself with an iron stick".)

+++++++++++++++++++++

Once you find yourself saying things like “I don’t want you to hate me” you have probably surrendered the moral high-ground so totally the French Army would be embarrassed over your retreat.

+++++++++++++++++++++

You have NO say in how they feel. If they don’t feel the way you want them to TOO BAD.

If you want them to feel differently then act in a way that earns it.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Two mirrors facing each other will only reflect an object placed between them, and that, endlessly. Without that object they reflect empty refection. Endlessly.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Boundaries define us, like lines define the end of one object and the beginning of another. When someone has clearly stated their boundaries, and you purposefully ignore them you are saying to that person “I’m more important than what defines you. You don’t matter.” Don’t get mad at them for being offended; figure out what’s lacking in you that makes you seek that kind of inappropriate validation. Because this is all your problem, not theirs.

+++++++++++++++++++++

You want to understand them? Then you don’t matter when analyzing them. You have to be able to eliminate all trace of your wants, wishes, and hurts to be able to understand them. Otherwise you’re just looking at them as some kind of extension of you, and that’s not really them.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Suddenly feeling good is often mistaken for happiness.

By control freaks who discover that drinking lets them relax,

by the shy having a line of cocaine and being suddenly confident,

by someone confused dropping acid and being able to clearly articulate what was in them finally,

by a bi-polar who, after months of depression triggers a manic and can finally do something useful again.

None of these states are happiness; they are highs. Highs always level off. Sometimes, when a person thinks that happiness truly depends on the substance/person/condition they end up dependent, even after no more good feeling comes from it.

+++++++++++++++++++++

It's never all one person's doing.

+++++++++++++++++++++

If you say something intentionally because you know it will provoke an extreme response you, not they, are the one being childish.

+++++++++++++++++++++

If you need to be  

worth

So much

That he will:

·       Wreck his life,

·       Forget his morals,

·       Act in a way contrary to his nature,

·       Regularly suffer pain, or humiliation to be near you

Then you really

ARE NOT.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Not all infidelity involves sex.

+++++++++++++++++++++

You may not be lying; doesn’t mean you’re telling the truth, though.

+++++++++++++++++++++

It is patently impossible to accurately analyze another person when you have no clue who you are.

+++++++++++++++++++++

If you do unto them

what they once did unto you

you turn into the asshole they were.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Everyone is more than their relationship to you.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Yet another way to know you love them: your anger evaporates when their safety is threatened.

+++++++++++++++++++++

If what you’re doing must be kept from those you find most trustworthy it probably isn’t; if you’re really doing something okay then you shouldn’t need to hide it. If you feel the need to lie about what you’re up to it probably shouldn’t be done. Justifying lying with “They wouldn’t understand” isn’t really a justification, and it’s not really accurate: THEY understand perfectly well; YOU are missing something.

+++++++++++++++++++++

If it’s about the money you’re a whore. If you tell yourself it’s love because you don’t like to think of yourself as a whore then…

.

.

you’re a self-deluding whore.

+++++++++++++++++++++

If you don’t want them to be with someone else don’t tell them to be with someone else. DUH.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Saying you want one thing, yet expecting someone to know you mean the opposite is…how to be diplomatic…I can’t: IT’S FUCKING STUPID. Even supposing someone can read your mind they deserve the courtesy of being told the truth; everyone else has to be.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Someone who

caters to your every whim,

tells you only good things about yourself,

makes you feel like the center of the universe,

does everything you want,

is a sycophant.

Or a puppy.

+++++++++++++++++++++

If the first thing you say about Them is “They Bought Me ______” whenever They come up in conversation, then you may want to consider what THEY GET FROM YOU. (If all you can come up with is something sexual then you are a...you know).

+++++++++++++++++++++

If you are going to be a judgmental (Son Of A) Bitch then you must:

1) Judge yourself first, and without pity,

2) Be Right.

+++++++++++++++++++++

When someone who's totally incompetent at psychoanalysis attempts to psychoanalyze someone who's really good at it it's rather like a toddler attempting to kick start a Harley-Davidson: kind of cute, and charming in its fumbling ineptness, but potentially terrible if something accidentally kicks over.

*As long as you, or they aren’t going behind someone else’s back, or breaking vows to spend time together. Your commitments have to come first, for the sake of your integrity, conscience, and trust. Only teenagers can rationalize past that.

A misconception that has been pointed out to me

It was pointed out to me that certain things I've said sound like I hate someone. This is not the case.

One can speak from an honest place of hurt, and anger

yet still love.

In fact, the pain and ire usually only reaches the degree where it can be mistaken for hatred when love is affronted.

Such expressions of hurt can be thoughtless, even cruel, but they are honest.

If someone with deep love was not wounded in some primal, animal way there would be no such lashings out.

The Followers: A Journal (Horror Story)

The Followers: A Journal

Chris Walters

 
February 28

I don't know which is worse, the moaning or the screaming. The dead were bad enough before, when most people were alive.

It's been so warm lately, like spring. Yippee.

Never did like life. Now life is just like I always thought. Wonder what my shrink thinks now. Since Ford closed the plant, the walking corpses are almost redundant in this town.

I'm glad I took this apartment. The UPS truck took out the stairs. They can't get up. The ones with bodies at least.

I have food for 2 weeks. I have meds for 2 months. And booze.

Phone quiet, but works. No one I want to call.

Migraine. Took 3 and 3. No ice. Fuck the speed bumps.

Sleep.

March 4

I hate them. My pills. Because they wear off. Head screaming, but not migraine. Yay. Silver lining. Could be worse.

Sunny day. Again. Was wishing for better weather before. Murphy's law or something.

Looked out my window today. Big change. Big mistake. If they see me…

Yesterday didn't get off floor. Didn't want to see…

I hear them. They are stumbling through downstairs apartment. Neighbors? Maybe. Maybe eaten.

Turned on TV. Still some people alive, broadcasting.

I wish they would stop talking to me. The other they. I can't help them now. Not that I ever wanted to.

I used to hate hospitals. One would see me react, and I'd have a parade following me.

The doctors gave me meds because I kept screaming at no one. I wish it was no one.

I'm too conscious. Plenty Southern Comfort to fix that.

March 4, later

He got through my SoCo and med mix. Asshole. Young Cop. Cute. My type, strong, forceful, but a gentleman. Too bad I didn't meet him before.

Woke up to

"Ma'am? MA'AM?"

Said what the fuck. He told me I was the only person alive in the whole town. I said I knew by the noise.

Asked if my phone worked. Said yeah. Asked if I would please call someone for him. Saw wedding ring. Told him no. He begged. Said he'd do himself but…

He cried.

I said what's her name. Called. No answer.

He left 10 minutes ago. More SoCo.

March 11        

Talked to cop's wife today. Random chance. Cop went off to find her. Poor asshole; they never hear each other. They could both be here and I'd still have to pass messages. Like notes under the desk in Jr. High.

Eating one meal a day, rest of nutrients from booze. Too much sugar in SoCo; I'm manic now. Won't sleep for the next week. They'll get louder.

Gas is off. Big explosion across town yesterday. Might have something to do with it.

No gas means no sure way out. Can't do my wrists. Eeeeew. Wish I still had bullets, but Robbie took them away when he walked out on me.

When I'm down to a weeks meds I'll take them all. Fuck this. Fuck a bunch of this.

March 13,      

Most of the dead are heading down the 96 toward Detroit. It's getting quiet now. It's the plant closing all over again.

Finally looked out the window again.

Stragglers. 5 or 6. Broken bodies, missing legs, or broken backs. Crawling.

The ones who died old were clean. Young ones had ghosts.

Murder always makes them louder, and the world is all murder now.

Strong young black man, looked fresh, maybe dead yesterday. No meat on legs. Ghost following body screaming; trying to tear out hair. Jesus, man. Just accept it.

I was leaning on balcony, SoCo bottle slipped. Man's body turned toward sound, started crawling. Ghost looked. I looked away, pretended not to see him. Too late. They don't know how to, but they do. They just want to be somewhere and are. Would have dropped bottle if hadn't dropped it already; ghost appeared next to me.

"Please help me! I need to find…" They always say that; always have.

What?

"My kids…"

Can't help. Phone dead.

"They're in a truck over on Ten Mile. It's not that far."

No gun, no car. Too far. Go to them yourself.

"I can't!"

Stop being an asshole. Decide to be with them. You will be. That's how it works.

Argued 20 minutes. Finally he tried. Blinked out.  Had a vision of him alive, crawling under trucks back door when caught. That's why legs were all gone. Family dead next.

Big drink now.

March 13, later

Nothing cuts through booze like children crying. Dad's body was still hanging around outside building, making noise, trying to crawl up wall. Tiny little zombies came from direction of Ten Mile. I want to forget their wounds. SoCo doesn't help with that. Banging head on wall doesn't help with that.

Bodies followed by tiny beautiful little ghosts. Sweet kids, crying. I started. I always hated the kids. They couldn't understand any of it.

Little ghosts followed by big ghost. Dad. He only saw bodies.

Dad appeared next to me and said

"I found 'em." Cried. They are so fucking loud. Crying doesn't help them either, gives them no release. But like everything else about the new situation, they don't get it.

Said to him I know. They are like you, following their bodies.

"I can't see them…"

I know. It's like that.

Conversation went on for a bit. Fucker got me crying again. I hate that loss of control. Like puking.

Kids' ghosts heard me, appeared.

"Why'd daddy…?" Ugh.

The next half hour sucked. Passed messages back and forth. Crying, shrieking, wailing. Ghosts made some noise too.

Finally left. Kids just faded. Dad is still outside, taking swings at his meat. Post Mortem male stereotype. Heh.

Took 3 and 3, then 2 more each.

Just came to. Dad gone. Body still hungry, scratching at the wall. Same with kids.


March 23(?),        

I've been indulging too much with pills. Down to a week already. SoCo is low too.

Looked in mirror. Dreads are starting. Hate those things.

Head hurts. Thinking about my suicide plan. Got cold feet. One of the nuns from school said suicide is self-murder. Murder makes the most ghosts. What if I stay attached to my body? What if my body gets out the apartment, and starts eating people? I'd have to watch my meat make a meal of others. Fuck that.

New plan: I'm going to try to find a gun. Some of the neighbors had them. Head towards Canada, towards the cold.

I have to live. I have to.

27 Club

Ever notice how many rock stars die at age 27?

The Big Dead 3 of Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison are joined by Brian Jones, and Kurt Cobain. Cobain shot himself (officially) but had drugs in his system. Jones, who drowned, had evidence of serious damage from drugs and drinking.

There's a whole host of lesser-knowns who died at that age as well. What's remarkable is to see how many died of over-dose, or complications from existing habits, like diabetes (possibly) exacerbated by alcoholism.

It's like their metabolisms suddenly altered, and left them unable to tolerate what they could the day before.

I remember being 26 and being convinced that I wouldn't see 28. I've now passed all the ages I thought I'd never see. Except 40, but y'know.

So. 27. Fear it.

Skirt-as-a-dress

I'm thinking of you

in your skirt-as-a-dress,

you, so tiny

it covers enough

for modest

but not enough

for clean;

I'm thinking of

your playful

"Someone was hitting on me"

while your hair dries,

and water beads

on shoulders left bare

by your skirt-as-a-dress,

Knowing I'd become

a beast, and claim you

because I know this game

is foreplay

and you want

me to want

and I do;

I'm thinking of you

under me, slick

and screaming

in an empty house

though it always sounded

songlike;

I'm thinking of

being all beast

and your words

all but gone

only my name

Over and over;

I'm thinking of

fantasies made word

but never deed;

I'm thinking of now

and the date,

And your

someone else

who can't

get

you there,

But there was always

leeway,

slack

in the bonds of my fantasy,

And

until a few days ago

you could have exploited it.

Now,

though I can still remember

my name

in your musical sweetness,

though I would have loved

to be the other man with you once more,

to see you walk up the stairs of my new

place wearing only your

skirt-as-a-dress,

to hear you call my name

one more time,

You

Missed

Your

Chance.

Untie (Lyrics without music)

(The thought process of a chronic...hmmm...home-wrecker? Knot-untier, anyway.  
I know because I used to do this. Regularly. Why no one ever shot me in my youth is mysterious to me. 
No complaints about not being murdered; just marveling at the luck. It's karma, though, 
that I should be where I am now. And it's Russian of me that I should laugh at the Karma 
I see another wracking up. One day I'll be kinder. Or so I keep telling myself.)

Tell her what she needs to hear

What she needs to hear

Listen when she talks and you’ll hear

What she needs to hear

Do they all say he’s bad, and it hurts her?

Tell her it’s not his fault or hers

Do they say he needs sympathy from her?

Tell her he’s bad for her

She’ll think you her shining knight

And you can tell yourself your plot

Was all good and right

When you‘ve untied their knot

Let her know the last one hurt you

Let her see the vulnerability in you

Let her see the strength she gives you

And watch you become a stronger you

Tell her how special you find her

Tell her how magical you find her

Tell her how much you treasure

All the stolen time with her

She’ll think you her shining knight

And you can tell yourself your plot

Was all good and right

When you‘ve untied their knot

Never tell her to leave him

Or suggest she doesn’t need him

Or hint she’d be better without him

Just be more fun than him

When she thinks about all the work

To fix what she has with that jerk

Compared to your entertaining quirks

She won’t think it worth the work

She’ll think you her shining knight

And you can tell yourself your plot

Was all good and right

When you've untied their knot

That they would have ended anyway

That it was going that way all along

That it doesn’t matter what he has to say

That you didn’t do anything wrong

You’ve got to let her think

It was her idea

You always let her think

It was her idea

After you’ve won her

You can never let up

On the praising of her

Or you might slip up

Show the sad little flaw

You know is in you

And you know if she saw

She wouldn’t be with you

Because somewhere in your mind

You know that you untied those two

Because you were too scared to find

Someone unattached and new

Because you know you can’t impress

Someone who’s heart is whole

And not in distress

Because you my friend are a hole

Tell me how it feels when it dawns on you

That you started when she was with another

And that it could just as easily happen to you

When, bored with you,

she starts talking to

another…