Walters' Rules of Wrist 7-26-2011

When you act like a loudmouth douchebag, and/or a bully in a public place you become "That Guy". Your friend, even if he's trying to dissuade you in your actions, is "The Other Guy". Don't expect gratitude: he was probably happier to be anonymous.

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You don't get to decide others' opinion of you. If your view of yourself doesn't jibe with their view of you, one of you is missing something. If you object to their opinion then doing more of what formed their opinion is probably not going to change it.

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If your opinion of yourself is solid then their opinion of you shouldn't matter to you.

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If you can't remember how much you had to drink at any given time in the recent past you probably drink too much.

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If you can't allow your friends to hold their own opinion you don't actually want friends, but acolytes.

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Expecting people to "Know Better" isn't always fair. Tell them. They may have been raised by coyotes, and have no reason to suspect that they're bothering you. If you tell them and they don't care that's cause to walk away.

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No matter how much someone cares about you, being turned into "The Other Guy" is too high a price to pay for your company.

My Message to the Orange Muppet...um...Speaker of the House

I have rarely been so disappointed in an address by a public official. Sir, you sounded clownish as you firmly held to the Tea Party line. The American people WANT COMPROMISE. We do want tax increases on the wealthy. Tea Party polls are the only ones that will show otherwise.

It has been apparent for months now to any thinking person that the congressional Republicans only want to embarrass the president, not to solve any problems.

How is that patriotic? How is that in anyone's interest?

Making the president look bad, and causing him to lose the next election will not give your party any better ideas to fix the problems that were largely caused by your party.

Instead of trying to get out of blame do something worthwhile. Come with some ideas that don't make it harder for the poor and easier for the rich.

Rush Limbaugh doesn't have the answers; he makes $100,000,000+ a year making some Americans afraid of other Americans. His interest is not America's interest.

The Tea Party may have gotten many of your colleagues into office, but they have no useful ideas.

All I ever hear from your party is a dogma of Don't Tax The Rich (Oops) Job Creators, or They Won't Create Jobs. You know what? They have low taxes, and aren't creating jobs.

So I'd like to thank you for reaffirming my suspicion that your party doesn't care about the country.  If there was no Fox "News" you'd have no media speaking for you at all.

In my lifetime I have not voted for one Republican. It used to just be because of the unwillingness to disavow the Religious right. This Tea Party/Limbaugh foolishness is just making it worse.

Lincoln and Ike must surely be saddened.

I Want a Raven

Those who've read A Game of Thrones know that Lord Commander Jeor Mormont has a raven that sits on shoulder and says...things. (Those who haven't read it also know that now.) Some things are innocuous like "Corn?" when it's hungry. Other things not so much, like "DIE! DIE! DIE!" after the man details the possible outcome of a mission.

Doing some research I found out that ravens can in fact be taught to talk, in a mimicking sense. They imitate other animals, including people.

I want one. I want a big black raven to sit on my shoulder, and say...things. With my tourettes this could be AWESOME. Some things I would teach it to say, others it would just learn.

When it was hungry I'd teach it to say "Porn?", and being a bird it would have no manners, so if it was ravenous "PORN! PORN! PORN! PORN!"

If it was with me in the last week we'd both be ticcing "Cock". This would, of course, stay with the bird, even after my tics change for the season.

"Porn? Porn? COCK!"

There's a Woody Woodpecker cartoon that I'm quite of, where a stuttering wolf from Florida somehow gets saddled with a baby billy goat. I haven't seen this in 20 someodd years, but I can't forget lines like "Heah now. Have some Moo-Cow Milk, Milk, Milk, Milk", or "Take a chaw on that Billy Boy, Boy, Boy, Boy."
Imagine my raven hearing the name Billy, and before someone could say "Joel" this bigass black bird squawks "Boy, Boy, Boy, Boy!"

People would of course want to approach my bird, at least in moments when it was being calm, because that's what people do to others' animal companions. They'd probably say the usual shit they say to parrots, and it would go badly for them after that.

"Who's a pretty bird?"

"Twat?"

or

"What's your name, pretty boy?"

"FUCKER!"

If my bird and I spent any time with a certain gay friend with a crude sense of humor I could imagine someone saying "I'm going to go get some paint", met with "HOMO DEPOT! HOMO DEPOT!"

Watching episodes of 'House' with me would lead to

"ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS!"

We could even have a little call and response. Say I encounter a douchebag.

Me: "Douche!"

Bird: "BAG!"

The more I think about this the more awesome it sounds. If I lived somewhere that I could have pets I be tempted to try it. Unfortunately I don't.

And with birds being excitable Market Square Day could be like a limping, winged tourettic convention, each influencing the other to greater depths of compulsive crudeness.

Bird: "Porn? Porn? Porn? Porn? COCK! Twattwattwattwat! ASS!"

Me: "Fucker."

Bird: "FUCKER! FUCKER! FUCKER!"

Me: "Shut it, you noisy twunt!"

Bird: "TWUNT! TWUNT! TWUNT! TWUNT! {quork}"

Cop: "Sir, your bird is drawing complaints."

Bird: "TAINT!"

Me: "Cunt. Oh shit."

Cop: "WHAT?"

Bird: "TWAT!"

Alright, that outing wouldn't end well at all, but it makes me laugh to picture it. Yes. I have a 13 year old's sense of humor sometimes. But dammit, I want a raven.

A Critique of Modern Swearing

This is the piece that I read at Beat Night, July 21, 2011, which seems to have caused someone to unfriend and block me on Facebook.

I hate the way we swear, either in oath or curse. This is no social criticism, but an artistic one. In exasperation even Jews and Atheists will say “For Christ’s sake!”
           “For Christ’s sake, will you hurry up?”
            If you don’t care about Christ why would his sake matter? That’s like saying “Take your time”, almost hipsterish in its useless irony.

            When I swear so it’s by something that matters to me:
           “For the love of fucking would you hurry up?”

For an oath people say “So help me God” or “May God strike me dead…”

Just words from most people. Your oath needs collateral, to be backed by a currency more stable than air:

“If I lie may my vocabulary evaporate, and my manly bits wither like paper in fire.”
            For short: “By my cock, it’s true.”

At the very least one should swear by deities one actually believes in.

“By the Almighty Murphy’s hairy and pendulous man-boobs, I tell you true!”

            In general people don’t consider the meaning of the words they say. Even when using clean language to be unkind, we get it stupid. Men will call each other “woman” to suggest inferiority and worthlessness. That’s stupid. I love women, so if a man is worthless he couldn’t possibly be one.

That calls into question other commonly abused words of insult: “Pussy” means coward? For the love of fucking, I love pussy, and hate cowards, so they can’t share a word.

            Unfortunately I’m having to give up my favorite Anglo-Saxon word based on this logic, but that word could get me burned at the stake or gelded in the US, though I use it the UK manner in place of Asshole. Yes, the Cunt Word is fading from my usage. So is twunt, a Neologism of obvious origin.

That brings me to my final point about swearing. When swearing AT someone we intend to unbalance them, to disarm them through shock or anger. How can phrases we’ve all heard do this to someone who isn’t stupid?

            There’s a Northern Irish comic book writer named Garth Ennis with such a gift for rhetorical crudeness that I will often forget the plot of story, as I mull the meaning of a phrase.

“Shower of Cunts! You’re a shower of fuckin’ cunts!” said one of his characters. I felt clubbed in the head by this, and surely would have surrendered in any argument with the author. All I could think about was how I couldn’t extract a real meaning for the phrase, and that it fit perfectly to the tune of the Addam’s Family theme. (The band joined me with finger snapping for a brief rendition of the theme.)
            People will say “Fuck you” when angry.

            “No thanks, I’m seeing someone.”

            Or “Blow me.”

            “Nah, I prefer innies.”

            But if someone said “Fuck your mouth in the ass!” I’d have no reply.
            Off the rack phrases are powerless, and words have meanings.

So, by the briney rumpled foreskin of Poseidon, & for the love of all that’s fuckable think before you cunting swear!