I Want a Raven

Those who've read A Game of Thrones know that Lord Commander Jeor Mormont has a raven that sits on shoulder and says...things. (Those who haven't read it also know that now.) Some things are innocuous like "Corn?" when it's hungry. Other things not so much, like "DIE! DIE! DIE!" after the man details the possible outcome of a mission.

Doing some research I found out that ravens can in fact be taught to talk, in a mimicking sense. They imitate other animals, including people.

I want one. I want a big black raven to sit on my shoulder, and say...things. With my tourettes this could be AWESOME. Some things I would teach it to say, others it would just learn.

When it was hungry I'd teach it to say "Porn?", and being a bird it would have no manners, so if it was ravenous "PORN! PORN! PORN! PORN!"

If it was with me in the last week we'd both be ticcing "Cock". This would, of course, stay with the bird, even after my tics change for the season.

"Porn? Porn? COCK!"

There's a Woody Woodpecker cartoon that I'm quite of, where a stuttering wolf from Florida somehow gets saddled with a baby billy goat. I haven't seen this in 20 someodd years, but I can't forget lines like "Heah now. Have some Moo-Cow Milk, Milk, Milk, Milk", or "Take a chaw on that Billy Boy, Boy, Boy, Boy."
Imagine my raven hearing the name Billy, and before someone could say "Joel" this bigass black bird squawks "Boy, Boy, Boy, Boy!"

People would of course want to approach my bird, at least in moments when it was being calm, because that's what people do to others' animal companions. They'd probably say the usual shit they say to parrots, and it would go badly for them after that.

"Who's a pretty bird?"

"Twat?"

or

"What's your name, pretty boy?"

"FUCKER!"

If my bird and I spent any time with a certain gay friend with a crude sense of humor I could imagine someone saying "I'm going to go get some paint", met with "HOMO DEPOT! HOMO DEPOT!"

Watching episodes of 'House' with me would lead to

"ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS!"

We could even have a little call and response. Say I encounter a douchebag.

Me: "Douche!"

Bird: "BAG!"

The more I think about this the more awesome it sounds. If I lived somewhere that I could have pets I be tempted to try it. Unfortunately I don't.

And with birds being excitable Market Square Day could be like a limping, winged tourettic convention, each influencing the other to greater depths of compulsive crudeness.

Bird: "Porn? Porn? Porn? Porn? COCK! Twattwattwattwat! ASS!"

Me: "Fucker."

Bird: "FUCKER! FUCKER! FUCKER!"

Me: "Shut it, you noisy twunt!"

Bird: "TWUNT! TWUNT! TWUNT! TWUNT! {quork}"

Cop: "Sir, your bird is drawing complaints."

Bird: "TAINT!"

Me: "Cunt. Oh shit."

Cop: "WHAT?"

Bird: "TWAT!"

Alright, that outing wouldn't end well at all, but it makes me laugh to picture it. Yes. I have a 13 year old's sense of humor sometimes. But dammit, I want a raven.