It couldn’t be ‘elped (An almost true story from before I lost my religion)

It couldn’t be ‘elped

(An almost true story)

(In Manchester England there are 2 major teams- the Mighty United, and the Heathen Manchester City. Read this piece is in an approximation of a Mancunian accent, ie the housekeeper from Frasier.)

It couldn’t be ‘elped, yeah?

I mean it ‘ad been real,

& more than magic

but she moved, right?

It couldn’t be ‘elped. Yeah?

And she pick me up

On Christmas Day

For a Graveyard Walk,

Too right, like.

And it ‘ad all changed

With ‘er all distracted

& distant, like.

& Still out of reflex

I wanted to grab on to ‘er

Wrap round ‘er

Never let go of ‘er;

The greater the treasure

The greater the greed,

Like.

& I thought about ‘ow it started, like;

She picked me, yeah?

She

Picked

Me.

I’d come to accept that a

Limping, unemployed, alcoholic with Tourette Syndrome

Is not considered a prize by most women, yeah?

But this young woman

‘oo turned all the ‘eads,

‘oo could ‘ave anyone she wanted,

The most beautiful, magical, talented

Creature I ever ‘ad me ‘ands on

Picked

Me.

So it couldn’t be ‘elped, yeah?

Like I’s sayin’

It wa’ Christmas, like.

& I looked at ‘er

& somethin’ about ‘er said over, like.

And I  tried to understand it

But I was at a loss, like.

So I just looked down

At me scarf

In the colors of the Mighty Man United.

Then I knew, right?

I looked at ‘er

And she wa’ dressed in the colors of Manchester City, like.

Me feelin’s just bloody well died, right?

It couldn’t be ‘elped, yeah?

Chris Walters, Aught Five