A bit from a Facebook chat:
Him-
How are you holding up?
Your comment history on here is like a log flume
UP UP uP UP UP and Down....splash
Wet for all the wrong reasons.
When was the last time you actually went on a Log Flume?
I think i was like 10
Me-
Last summer.
6 Flags, with the Brocatos.
And Alex.
I realized today how precarious my good moods are. They are like thick planks placed loosely across a hole in the floor of my emotional state; they're made of solid stuff, just not solidly in place. Any misstep can move them, dropping I, and anything I'm carrying into an abyss.
The chat convo cited above reminded me of being an active part of my family, and really just finished me off like a club to the head of a fish in the boat.
It was a nice day, laughing, having good times. Looking at an array of beautiful women (shapely figures in yoga pants, and no pretensions; THANK YOU GODS).
Then, talking about sex with a beautiful lady friend, the planks were kicked away. I was already...primed, and thinking about the act, and seeing delightful examples of potential partners in every direction...
she was talking about someone else not waking up during the act, and how she would definitely have done...
And I flashed to being with my Wife, and all the times...
And then it wasn't just the act that mattered,
but the whole thing,
the closeness,
and the desperate feeling that
there just weren't enough ways to touch her
that here was home, and
Why
I
Was.
I remembered it all, and began to dissociate from reality. I had to bite myself to keep from screaming, or crying. It hasn't hit that hard in a while, and I wasn't able to recover from it like I did when it was all the time.
I'm wreckage again. And annoyed by it.
I don't want to want to be a good person. I want to just seek relief. I want to go say whatever some little hotling would need to hear to let me hide inside her for a while. I want to NOT want my wife, and to think about...
I want to move on.
No...
I want to want to move on, I don't actually want to move on.
No. I just want it not to hurt.
What I want, more than anything, is for her to want to fix us as badly as I do.
That's all. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want to heal, and find someone new. I can take delight in the company of someone else, but not as more than friends, not if the planks get kicked out so easily.
I hurt a lot. I hate this feeling. I want to be able to forget, but I can't. I want someone to hit the switches in my neck for a while, and just shut me off.
I want to not hurt.
She told me she drove by on the full moon, to see if I was up, with a suggestion of...
How am I not to feel like I'm fucked with?
Oh man. I'm sorry. Not trying to make things worse for you my brother. Trying to help.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't make it worse.
ReplyDeleteNothing (save for expert fingers on my neck) could make it better.
Club.
Head.
Fish.
I haven't tried to relate to your suffering until now, but i went through as harsh a break up many moons ago. And i have to tell you, time does heal. The interim was hell. And to bear hell, defeat it and seek otherwise is a quest written and philosiphized upon since the reckoning of consciousness and will be unto the breaking of the world.
ReplyDeletePlease don't give up on yourself, or your potential to heal from this. I have the utmost faith in you.
i wish there was something i could say to make things okay.
ReplyDeleteTanya, save me hugs for next we meet.
ReplyDeleteThink thoughts of Snob Chocolate at me.
Andy, you are a good friend, and your support and faith mean the world.
But there needs be perspective: this is rejection after
EIGHTEEN
years of being a part of each other.
Nothing I've said is about giving up on myself; I will heal. Not soon, though.
Right now I keep ending up in utter horror on a weekly (sometimes hourly) basis, and that pain has to be borne.
I exist to lash feelings to a framework of words. That's what I do, and why I put all these out for public viewing; otherwise I can't understand the point.
Come on, quit the shadow-speak, and tell us what is really going on?
ReplyDeleteApologies. I forget how obtuse I can be when not thinking about my audience.
ReplyDeleteI'll try to be a little more direct in the future.
I've been keeping up with your growth as much as time has allow in my crazy hectic world. You've been in my thoughts often. As much empathy as I have for what you're feeling, it pales in comparison to the awe I have for your ability to put words to feelings and remain sober during such a period. I was told that the three most stressful events in ones life are death of someone close, moving, and divorce/separation. Having gone through all three in a short amount of time, my opinion is the other two pale in comparison to the soul wrenching anguish of a separation that was not your chosing. Keep on keeping on, friend. Good thoughts are coming your way from the west coast.
ReplyDelete~M
Thanks so much, M.
ReplyDeleteI haven't even been tempted to drink. I know I wouldn't forget how I felt, just how to act like a human. It would be bad.
Moving used to be the scariest thing in the world to me. I would do it weekly forever if it would fix us. It's not scary anymore.
I appreciate the good thoughts.