All this and an allergy to silver

This is a long, and very very dark piece.

All this and an allergy to silver

You taught me well
mom,

or rather


I learned well your lessons

That we can't safely wear silver


That emotions take precedence at any given moment

But the mind is supreme
and full of blades, and bribes


That its exercise
is in filling itself
and reeling back after
nearly losing itself
over and again


That the mind's recreation is
in reshaping
anything
that words can move


Starting with other minds


Then what those minds control

from money to flesh;


Always make them think it was their idea
because it was
even if
without you
it would have been one they'd not have thought;


If even slightly aware that you've altered their normal thought-flow
they'll resist,

even something they clearly need.

I learned well mom.


I am as explosive as you
But less destructive

I am even angrier
but more ethical

I don't need, or want everyone else to do what I want.


I modified some lessons, and taught a new one to my boy:
whereas you taught me to try to control others I taught him
to try to control him. 
I taught him something else, that you never
seemed to learn: there are choices, even with a head full of monsters.


I'm still struggling with that one; the monsters in your family frequently
take choices away for a time, leaving only a decision on how best to clean up.


I've decided to apply all I've learned
to me


To make
me
do what I want


And I've had to employee every bribe, and every blade
to even start...


I drove her away. I didn't want to be without her
but I couldn't stop being
Your Flesh
Your Meme
Your Lessons

I couldn't stop being cruel to her
not for any length of time.


One of the worst parts is knowing that much of what I did
was a defense against you

when you gave in to your transformation.


Only she didn't transform; just got treated that way.


I saw a lifeline for her, a way for her to be free of me for times
so when she could be enticed away

I happily said "Go"

Thinking she'd be safe from me for a while

not understanding how complete
Away
would be.


I employed all the tools you gave me
improving most
by sobering sooner

and played the game on her

and played the game on me;


She even, for a time
wanted me in her life in some way
but your flesh
and lessons
felt "some way"
more painful than
no way;


I let the crazy off the leash and cured her of me, I think.

So you see mom,
I'm better at
you
than you


& I may never be sure
Whose idea it really was.