A Kitten in the Mouse Cage.

This may be vastly more than you want to know about me. I'm hoping this will be more than just babble, but we'll see. I may post it, and take it down. Who knows. If I've gone too far please tell me.

Haven't had sex in a month. I'm starting to get weird. Even for me.


I haven't had but a couple of poorly conceived kisses from my wife in a month. She and I will not be having sex anytime soon, possibly ever again...but I'm not going there. She is irrelevant right now.


I want to fuck. 

I want to make breathless wetness, and FUCK.

I want to throw down on a mattress, and FUCK. 
                     
I want sweat on skin making skin slide on skin, and to FUCK. 
                                                            

I want teeth, and nails, and screaming, and 'please FUCK...'.
                             

I want to make early Prince songs blush and to FUCK.
                          
I want to get in bed for a quicky with 
whichever her 
and have her call friends, family, work 
to cancel 
whatever 
the fuck
so we can continue 
to FUCK.
 

I want to release the best part of the beast, and FUCK.




Am I clear about what I want?
 

It's not just the fucking, of course. I want the validation of being found that attractive that I'm allowed inside someone I want to be in. 
           
This is not easy for me to achieve, and it should hardly be surprising, as strange and off-putting as me and my moods can be. Some problems for me getting laid:

• I'm not good with one night stands, because I have to actually like someone before I can get naked with them. That eliminates picking up women at a bar, aside from the fact that I'm sober and hate being around herds of drunks.
• Due to my neuro abnormalities I need to trust someone, because I usually have a post-coital ticsplosion, and to be made fun of in such a state of vulnerability would probably scar me for life. 
• One of the biggest problems I have, though, is that sex, especially if it's good, almost always causes me to attach to someone. There have been few exceptions. This would be fine if it was the beginning of a real relationship, but I've only experienced 10 days in the last 60 where I wasn't heartbroken, so there will be no real relationships for a while. Even if I consummated a crush (a feeling I've recently proven more than capable of) I wouldn't have anything sustainable to offer her, but I'd feel an obligation to try.
• This also makes it difficult to bed a stranger because I get a glimmer of the attachment regardless, and it's kind of terrible to come out of a libidinous fog to find that I'm unable to stop thinking about someone who is, in fact, a total asshole. The cognitive dissonance then is painful.

I was downtown today, transmitting the WANT TO FUCK vibe. This is much different than the WANT COMFORT AND PRETEND LOVE vibe that I often have. This is predatory, but somehow less frightening, it seems. I normally have no shame in staring at women, even when I get caught. Today I caught several of them looking at me. WANT TO FUCK is an animal vibe, and helps identify other animals by who responds. 

I felt like a kitten in a mouse cage at a pet store. 
             
All of the women who were interested seemed to be attached, in a hurry, or too young for me to be okay with. The validation was nice; I would just like a dose of wherewithal to grab me one of them.
                  
I am actually so sexually ravenous right now that I could very well suspend my need for trust, to my detriment. 

But here's the final couple of problems I have with getting laid right now:
               

• I've been spoiled. I have the libido of a teenage boy. I've been with woman who has the libido of teenage boy for 5 years. Anything short of complete, near-porn madness may be weird, disappointing, and awkward. Of course to really take advantage of this aspect of me I need a bond, and trust, see above.
• And, in bedding someone new, on the outside chance that we're sexually compatible, I will probably fall apart after fucking. And with a stranger, or someone not prepared, that would be a level of strange, and vulnerable I can't even imagine.

I'm at the point, though, that I'll risk all of the emotional damage. I just hope for the following things: 

• That she be gorgeous (I am a guy).
• That she be clean. I've had a vasectomy; I'd like to take advantage of it.
• That we get along well enough that any meltdowns on my part won't end the night/day. Because I will get over it and resume the scheduled program.
• That I can talk to her. No seriously. There will be intervals of as much as 30 minutes when I'm useless for anything but talking. (What?)
• We can spend a whole night, and possibly the next day...practicing. 
• That she not mind being woken up in the middle of the night, possibly several times.
• That she has the sense, and self control, that if repeats are desired, not to get together too often, as I will become attached, possibly addicted if it's good.

So here's me, ravenous, and a danger to myself, in spite of my impossible demands on the universe for a new sex partner. 

But, even considering the possible consequences I find myself not caring. 


I 

WANT

TO

FUCK.



So that's what I want. What do I need, though?