I realized that
they could convey the impression of self-righteous moralizing on my part.
Far from the truth.
I am a Son of a
Bitch. I know this; it has been so my whole life, though I try to be better
than that. As such I have been on all sides of the moral equations addressed in
the RoW. I am currently paying off the karma for a number of actions as far
back as 18 years.
I post the RoW
because I see them clearly now. Had I know at the time of the transgressions I
committed...
Fie...I would have
done it all anyway. I just wouldn't have had the illusion of rightness for as
long as I did. Such illusions were always a greater impediment to my becoming
the type of man I want to be than behaving selfishly; the justifications and
rationalizations were, in some cases, worse than the crimes.
The RoW are just
more of me owning my truth.
Murphy be merciful
if any of them sting.
+++++++++++++++++
The reflexes developed from parenting are hard wired, and
permanent, as long as the instinct was there to begin with.
Seeing someone younger, or less capable about to enter a
problem you can help with will trigger these reflexes. If they are not a child,
and especially not your child
YOU HAVE TO ASK FIRST
before helping. The presumption of superiority frequently
makes ones' help totally unwelcome. But, if you ask, and they accept, help away
BEING CONSCIOUS OF BOUNDARIES THE WHOLE TIME.
+++++++++++++++++++++
It is no one's sole job to take care of everyone else.
Some people believe that it is, and deny themselves care, caring, comfort,
kindness, honest compliments, or decent treatment because they believe it's
their job to provide those for others.
But if your own supply isn't restocked from outside what
have you to give?
You are just as deserving of decency, care, and good
treatment as those you give those things to. No, not "But". Shush.
I'm right.
+++++++++++++++++++++
You feel how they make you feel.
Wait. Rewrite.
You feel how YOU LET THEM make you feel.
Yes. That’s it.
If they try to make you feel bad DON’T LET THEM.
If they make you feel good LET THEM*.
While it's true that you feel how you feel, and can't
decide otherwise, you can decide what stimuli you have in your life.
You have a say in what actions you accept towards
yourself. If you’re upset because you read an email/letter/msg from someone
whose communications regularly upset you, that’s not really them upsetting you;
that’s you allowing yourself to be upset. Do you have a good reason for
communicating with them, ie kids, business, property, family? No? DON’T DEAL
WITH THEM.
Conversely, if someone regularly sends/says things that
make you feel good accept them, and revel/bask. If it feels good to be around
them do so.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Figure out what your brick wall is and stop fucking
headbutting it, because it ain’t coming down. Doing the same thing hoping for
different results is nuts.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Any conditioned reflex or compulsion can be retrained.
Even instincts can be ignored. We are the only animal who can choose to act
contrary to instincts. No matter what your life has taught you to do/think/feel
you can choose to do differently.
Drunks can stop drinking.
Smokers can stop smoking.
Co-dependents can stop running to their side when they
call.
You have a choice, even if that choice is to behave in a
way completely foreign to yourself. Yes, doing something new and different is
the unknown. Yes, the unknown is frightening. But it might not hurt. Hell, it
might even feel good. What you’ve been doing hurts. Isn’t that a worthy gamble?
+++++++++++++++++++++
If he regularly buys you expensive gifts, and he’s not
rich, he thinks you’re his future. Really. No, he’s not just generous. Dumbass.
Seriously. Dumbass.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Informed consent is the key to anything working out.
Accurate self-assessment is the key to informed consent. If someone is
emotionally, or intellectually incapable of accurate self-assessment then their
consent will never be fully informed. Two people similarly incapable will
involve themselves in a mess.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Spending time with the Old, and the New does not
synthesize one perfect partner. Your feelings, and motivations are very suspect
if you do.
+++++++++++++++++++++
If you want them to move on LET THEM. If you say you want
them to move on act like it.
+++++++++++++++++++++
If you want to move on, do that. Act contrary to feelings
that may prevent that. See several rules above.
+++++++++++++++++++++
If you're comparing the new to the old constantly you
haven't really moved on.
+++++++++++++++++++++
How you think of someone you are interested in must only
be based on that person, not them in comparison to another.
+++++++++++++++++++++
~A way to tell someone really loves you: they know
everything about you and love you in spite of it.
BUT
~Telling them everything doesn’t mean they know
everything.
BECAUSE
~Some people decide to feel a certain way, and refuse to
let their actions be influenced by reality at all. Sometimes they want it to be
true so badly they don't actually hear anything anyone says. They may have
fallen in a short time for a false image of you, and can't let go of it no
matter what you have done in the past.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Someone who’s made up their mind to feel a certain way
doesn’t really feel that way. They can act like they do, and sometimes feelings
will adjust to the action. But more often the feeling doesn’t develop, and it
leaves the person seeming desperate or crazy acting as though it has. There’s
always a sense of trying to stay ahead of something. Sometimes this artificial
decided-on feeling becomes ritualized, even dogmatic. But it isn't real.
The most tragic of these type of feelings is that which a
person believes they should feel. He treats me well so I should love him. She
treats me badly so I shouldn't love her. I was taught this in church so I
should feel it's true. YOU FEEL HOW YOU FEEL. There is nothing you can do about
that. You act counter to your feelings, but you can't make your feelings run
counter to themselves.
Not acting on real feelings can be sensible, and kind.
Acting on decided-on feelings is false, and can be terribly cruel.
+++++++++++++++++++++
It doesn’t matter someone’s chronological age, or their
ability to hold a job. They can be a child regardless.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Being Dumbasses, Control Freaks mistake deciding when and
how they hurt for controlling hurt. They write off whole possibilities, and
allow real love to pass them by just to avoid being swept up in an unknown, and
maybe get hurt in a way they didn't plan on.
What they don't realize is that in narrowing the scope of
their actions they are not minimizing only the risk of damage, but joy as well.
That vigilance against pain, that need to control outcomes doesn't allow for
wild happiness; only tame, manufactured, safe contentment. In the final balance
all the safe, predictable things a Control Freak actually does are dwarfed by
the potential they have shut themselves off from. These people allow fear to
rule their lives, and that's just sad.
So are the "What ifs" that will pop up in quiet
moments forever: What If he meant every word? What If she was sorry? What If
they really did forgive me? Etc, and so forth. Those are not good company in
your old age.
The only thing Control Freak should ever try to control
is the need to control outcomes. Then at least if they get hurt it's whole,
real pain they can grow from, instead of managed, regulated, medicated
half-pain that leaves them broken. Because in the end, the regret over not
having honestly tried with someone hurts so much worse than the pain of them
leaving. And there are no drugs, drinks, or rebounds that can dull that hurt.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Pisces actually rule the world; we're just really
passive-aggressive about it.
+++++++++++++++++++++
If you are angry, upset, vexed or annoyed at
them
because they haven't forgiven
you
for hurting
their
feelings
you have none.
+++++++++++++++++++++
When getting advice on relationships it's good to
consider whether the adviser has ever had a successful one. Consider: are they
married, and for how long; if single, do they date anyone who isn't married;
have they ever been involved with anyone who wasn't insane? If your adviser has
had a long run of unhappy, unsuccessful relationships then take their advice
with a grain of salt. Or a fifth of tequila. Because even if they say something
you like that you believe leads to happiness it's meaningless; you can't use as
a guide someone who's never been there.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Conversely, commiserating with someone who has fucked up
in similar or identical ways will actually lead you to somewhere better,
provided you want to not be the person who fucks up like that anymore. Knowing
you're not alone makes a big difference.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Asking different people until you hear what you want is
for teenagers. Adults know the real answer is the one they don't want to hear,
but hear repeatedly.
+++++++++++++++++++++
All the rationalization in the world will not shield you
from Karma.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Anything born of another's anguish is not worth the
price.
+++++++++++++++++++++
After causing great harm to another some people say
"I didn't mean to..." Or "That wasn't my intention..." to
which the Universe replies "Karma's in the mail".
(The wronged party is entitled to "Go to hell",
or "Go fornicate yourself with an iron stick".)
+++++++++++++++++++++
Once you find yourself saying things like “I don’t want
you to hate me” you have probably surrendered the moral high-ground so totally
the French Army would be embarrassed over your retreat.
+++++++++++++++++++++
You have NO say in how they feel. If they don’t
feel the way you want them to TOO BAD.
If you want them to feel differently then act in a way
that earns it.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Two mirrors facing each other will only reflect an object
placed between them, and that, endlessly. Without that object they reflect
empty refection. Endlessly.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Boundaries define us, like lines define the end of one
object and the beginning of another. When someone has clearly stated their
boundaries, and you purposefully ignore them you are saying to that person “I’m
more important than what defines you. You don’t matter.” Don’t get mad at them
for being offended; figure out what’s lacking in you that makes you seek that
kind of inappropriate validation. Because this is all your problem, not theirs.
+++++++++++++++++++++
You want to understand them? Then you don’t matter when
analyzing them. You have to be able to eliminate all trace of your wants,
wishes, and hurts to be able to understand them. Otherwise you’re just looking
at them as some kind of extension of you, and that’s not really them.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Suddenly feeling good is often mistaken for happiness.
By control freaks who discover that drinking lets them
relax,
by the shy having a line of cocaine and being suddenly
confident,
by someone confused dropping acid and being able to
clearly articulate what was in them finally,
by a bi-polar who, after months of depression triggers a
manic and can finally do something useful again.
None of these states are happiness; they are highs. Highs
always level off. Sometimes, when a person thinks that happiness truly depends
on the substance/person/condition they end up dependent, even after no more
good feeling comes from it.
+++++++++++++++++++++
It's
never all one person's doing.
*As long as you, or they aren’t going behind someone
else’s back, or breaking vows to spend time together. Your commitments have to
come first, for the sake of your integrity, conscience, and trust. Only
teenagers can rationalize past that.
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