A Kitten in the Mouse Cage.

This may be vastly more than you want to know about me. I'm hoping this will be more than just babble, but we'll see. I may post it, and take it down. Who knows. If I've gone too far please tell me.

Haven't had sex in a month. I'm starting to get weird. Even for me.


I haven't had but a couple of poorly conceived kisses from my wife in a month. She and I will not be having sex anytime soon, possibly ever again...but I'm not going there. She is irrelevant right now.


I want to fuck. 

I want to make breathless wetness, and FUCK.

I want to throw down on a mattress, and FUCK. 
                     
I want sweat on skin making skin slide on skin, and to FUCK. 
                                                            

I want teeth, and nails, and screaming, and 'please FUCK...'.
                             

I want to make early Prince songs blush and to FUCK.
                          
I want to get in bed for a quicky with 
whichever her 
and have her call friends, family, work 
to cancel 
whatever 
the fuck
so we can continue 
to FUCK.
 

I want to release the best part of the beast, and FUCK.




Am I clear about what I want?
 

It's not just the fucking, of course. I want the validation of being found that attractive that I'm allowed inside someone I want to be in. 
           
This is not easy for me to achieve, and it should hardly be surprising, as strange and off-putting as me and my moods can be. Some problems for me getting laid:

• I'm not good with one night stands, because I have to actually like someone before I can get naked with them. That eliminates picking up women at a bar, aside from the fact that I'm sober and hate being around herds of drunks.
• Due to my neuro abnormalities I need to trust someone, because I usually have a post-coital ticsplosion, and to be made fun of in such a state of vulnerability would probably scar me for life. 
• One of the biggest problems I have, though, is that sex, especially if it's good, almost always causes me to attach to someone. There have been few exceptions. This would be fine if it was the beginning of a real relationship, but I've only experienced 10 days in the last 60 where I wasn't heartbroken, so there will be no real relationships for a while. Even if I consummated a crush (a feeling I've recently proven more than capable of) I wouldn't have anything sustainable to offer her, but I'd feel an obligation to try.
• This also makes it difficult to bed a stranger because I get a glimmer of the attachment regardless, and it's kind of terrible to come out of a libidinous fog to find that I'm unable to stop thinking about someone who is, in fact, a total asshole. The cognitive dissonance then is painful.

I was downtown today, transmitting the WANT TO FUCK vibe. This is much different than the WANT COMFORT AND PRETEND LOVE vibe that I often have. This is predatory, but somehow less frightening, it seems. I normally have no shame in staring at women, even when I get caught. Today I caught several of them looking at me. WANT TO FUCK is an animal vibe, and helps identify other animals by who responds. 

I felt like a kitten in a mouse cage at a pet store. 
             
All of the women who were interested seemed to be attached, in a hurry, or too young for me to be okay with. The validation was nice; I would just like a dose of wherewithal to grab me one of them.
                  
I am actually so sexually ravenous right now that I could very well suspend my need for trust, to my detriment. 

But here's the final couple of problems I have with getting laid right now:
               

• I've been spoiled. I have the libido of a teenage boy. I've been with woman who has the libido of teenage boy for 5 years. Anything short of complete, near-porn madness may be weird, disappointing, and awkward. Of course to really take advantage of this aspect of me I need a bond, and trust, see above.
• And, in bedding someone new, on the outside chance that we're sexually compatible, I will probably fall apart after fucking. And with a stranger, or someone not prepared, that would be a level of strange, and vulnerable I can't even imagine.

I'm at the point, though, that I'll risk all of the emotional damage. I just hope for the following things: 

• That she be gorgeous (I am a guy).
• That she be clean. I've had a vasectomy; I'd like to take advantage of it.
• That we get along well enough that any meltdowns on my part won't end the night/day. Because I will get over it and resume the scheduled program.
• That I can talk to her. No seriously. There will be intervals of as much as 30 minutes when I'm useless for anything but talking. (What?)
• We can spend a whole night, and possibly the next day...practicing. 
• That she not mind being woken up in the middle of the night, possibly several times.
• That she has the sense, and self control, that if repeats are desired, not to get together too often, as I will become attached, possibly addicted if it's good.

So here's me, ravenous, and a danger to myself, in spite of my impossible demands on the universe for a new sex partner. 

But, even considering the possible consequences I find myself not caring. 


I 

WANT

TO

FUCK.



So that's what I want. What do I need, though?

Hierarchy of Intoxication

Hierarchy of Intoxication


I was thinking of this at my shrink’s office.


Any feeling that is so pervasive as to alter perception of reality could be said to be intoxicating.
I have ingested a fair number of chemicals in attempts to find a state of perception that I enjoy enough to repeat, but have realized that not all buzzes are from external chemicals. Here are some of my findings.
(Please note that I have studiously avoided Cocaine, Heroin, Crystal, and Ecstasy for no other reason than the people on them looked like asshats.)




16. 150% dosage of Adderall.
15. Afghani hashish.
14. Super-clean Goony-Bird (early 90s MIT specialty) Acid.
13. First unqualified good feeling after a depression.
12. Very Drunk during a Happy Manic.
11. 2 Old Time DayQuil Gelcaps (containing Sudafed), 2 cups of coffee, 2 shots of
Southern Comfort, and a 102degree fever.
10. Realization of a new crush.
9. Reciprocation of a new crush.
8. Consummation of a new crush.
7. Adrenaline from risking your life after becoming okay with the likelihood of
dying.
6. Rapturous applause for performing your own work, at great risk to your
artistic integrity.
5. Really good shrooms and 3 hits of Opium of unknown origin.
4. Goony-Bird Acid plus 1 hit of Moroccan Opium.
3. Realization of Fresh Fallen New (real) Love.
2. Telling her of Fresh Fallen New Love, feeling like you may die at any second.
1. Hearing her say it back to you, and knowing it’s true.

Some of you other parents out there may argue that your children have altered your reality, but I say to you:

1. Do you really want to think of your children and a state of intoxication in the same go?
2. Make your own damned list.

Final consensus is that drugs get slapped around by Romantic stuff. Romantic stuff also doesn’t cause memory gaps. The hangover, however is Holy Mother of Evil.