It’s Been Ten Years, and I Never Told Why

I’ve been thinking about the days when I was the host of Beat Night Open Mic. It meant a lot to me, and leaving, even in a temporary manner, was very difficult. When I left New England in 2005 I expected to only be gone for a year, after which I’d resume my post. That year turned into two. When I finally returned to the area I was not able to resume my duties due to a relapse of depression (a lifelong struggle) and a home situation that wouldn’t allow me to guarantee my participation every month.

            Depression frequently causes shame and embarrassment, which partly explains any unwillingness to share this before. Also, there’s a feeling of worthlessness, making one think “No one would care about my problems”.

            In the time of my absence from hosting the event changed, as events do. By the time my domestic situation had improved, and my depression had remitted, I knew some of the aforementioned changes* would impair my enjoyment of the event. Knowing myself, I knew I not could adapt to these changes, and felt it would be inappropriate to demand the event adapt to me. Hence I let it go.

            More recently I’ve developed some physical health issues that directly impact my ability to even attend a live music event, let alone participate. Chiefly is an occasional partial hearing loss with headaches, but also problems with my voice if I have to speak loudly for more than a few minutes. Consequently, my ability to even be an audience member is now limited.

            In thinking about the days of being the host, I have not only a degree of nostalgia, but a grain of guilt: I never explained my not taking back the reins, though I had been expected to do. Here is that explanation. I would also like apologize, very belatedly, for not honoring my word. I’m sorry.

Chris Walters

October, 2015

*The changes I most object to are:

+The ever more flexible start time, but the firm end time. The open mic gets punished for that. I’d want the end time to be as flexible so each portion gets the same amount of time, unlike, on some nights, 90 minutes featured, 30 (25) minutes open.

+The new Press Room sound system. With only 2 powered speakers up front it is impossible to

make the readers audible to the entire room. The stage monitors are ineffective as well, meaning readers can’t even hear themselves. One of my rules was that no one talks over the readers. Now there’s no way to enforce it, so everyone talks over the readers like it’s another night at the bar.