An Unsent Letter To Michigan DOT date 9/6/2006

I lived in an awful place, and an awful state of mind. The only good thing about the mindset that produced this was moment of clarity that stopped me sending it.

To: Michigan Department of Transportation, Head of Road Planning, Metro Region

From: Everyone who has driven on civilized, well planned roads outside of your jurisdiction. (Civilized, well planned roads includes Boston.)

Dear Asstard,

What in the name of the Almighty Murphy’s Hairy Balls possesses you? You and anyone working for you obviously do not drive on the roads you so ineptly plan. How the Holy Fuck can you sign off on this shit and be pleased with yourselves? Is this one of those mafia “no-show” jobs gone white-collar?

Why, in order to get onto an interstate in this state, does someone usually have to turn across traffic, that having driven on your substandard artillery-paved surfaces for their whole lives, is too fucking angry to slow down for someone else?

Why is it that 90% of speed limit signs are obstructed, causing most overly cautious drivers to drive at 30 MPH everywhere? Was this done on purpose to artificially inflate the safe driving statistics?

Why do you not allow left turns onto most major surface streets? Why do you necessitate the “Michigan Left” which in every other state, county, and parish of this country is called a U-Turn? Why do you allow well meaning fucktards to plant view-obstructing shrubbery anywhere one of these turns is made?

Are you all drunk? I mean like Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas stupid-ass-hammered. It would be understandable living in the Metro Region. However, there are very successful programs for that. Please enter one.

If substance abuse is not the problem then can I assume that budget cuts have forced the hiring of angry lower primates, such as baboons? If that is the case please teach the creatures to drive, so they have a more accurate idea of how to do their jobs.

If not drunk, and not plagued with carnivorous monkeys, then really guys, what the fuck? These roads suck. They are dangerous, poorly planned, and falling apart.

There is one final possibility; perhaps you have given up, realizing that nothing you will ever do will make a difference, and that if shit keeps decaying the Feds will eventually step in and fix it. I hear the Feds can afford to hire chimpanzees that have completed courses in basic logic. This would definitely be a step up.

In closing I humbly extend this invitation to Blow Me.

Fuck You Very Much,

CSW