Misandrist: The Implications of a Dead Kitten

Misandrist: The Implications of a Dead Kitten

I was 13-14, wearing my Chuck Taylors.

We had a kitten, a tiny little black ball of freak out and fuzz.

And as I was running from my room (we were late for something)

The kitten freaked out and ran to meet my step.

Though I checked my step, there was just enough compression to break vital things, and cause a violent death throe.

Kitten was dead, I was crushed.

But ever after, when self-medicated, my mother would recount the story shrieking “You were stomping around in your big black boots!”

She hated combat boots, or engineer boots, because, in her mind, they were male. They existed because of Y Chromosomes, therefore were signs of stupidity and needless evil.

And, in her mind, all her problems were because of men. Including the death of a kitten.

Knowing, after trial and sickening error, she could not hear or understand truth through her madness and liquor, I stopped trying to tell her she was cruelly false.

Years later she had been forced to dry out, the state of Maine not allowing her to drink and receive their hospitality. She recounted the story again, still insisting on her anti-man version.

This time, though, as she was not chemically altered and could form memories again, I borrowed my father’s Marine Corps voice to briefly drown out every sound in the apartment building to say “I was wearing sneakers, god damn it! No matter how much you want it to be some blatantly male symbol of evil, it was not! Don’t ever tell that story again unless you’re gonna tell the truth!”

And she never told the story again.

Where I could hear.

Chris Walters,

February 10, 2014

Chess

I was 9

When my mother

Taught me

Chess;

Her disguise was still intact then,

The mask of a rational woman,

With a job,

And justified anger;

She’d smoke,

And exhale memories

Of being

The Barmaid Who

Could Beat Anyone,

And tell me to think

Moves ahead;

I tried, but

My sense of the future was seconds,

Tiny increments of feeling

Safe from others’ sickness,

Hers most of all;

It was her game,

And in learning it I thought I could

Follow the eel-twists of her mind,

Predict the explosions and melt-downs,

Learn how she put on the disguise;

But, as a boy,

I couldn’t become good at the game,

And the frustration enraged me;

She tried to throw a game once,

And I told her to stop it,

That I actually had to beat her

Or it wouldn’t feel like victory;

She was happily merciless after that,

Beating me time and again on the board.

When I was 17 her mask became

too heavy

to wear;

No longer playing chess,

She spent her time drinking,

Weeping,

Threatening,

Blaming,

And hating men.

I escaped into girls, and drugs,

Putting on a mask of stability and wisdom

That I, at least, was fooled by,

And left her to her shrieking;

When I was 21

My mask became too heavy

And I dropped it;

Seeing in the mirror

The reflection of terror long

Ignored

I slipped into depression,

A chaos of self-hatred

And disorganized, irrational thoughts;

Some days my only solace

Was that I could end myself if I felt worse;

I started playing chess again,

Fervently using it to force order

Onto my mind,

Teaching myself to think instead of feel;

And I surprised myself by becoming good,

finally understanding the game,

thinking ahead, and planning;

I went to see her,

And challenged her to a game;

There was no disguise left for her then,

No clothes, only bathrobes, and cat-piss stench,

the house a maze of baubles,

1,000s of buttons arranged by color

On every horizontal surface that she termed

“A Map of My Mind”;

She accepted with a meek shrug,

And played ineptly,

Looking at the pieces in a way that said

She remembered remembering 

how they worked together,

But couldn’t make them do now;

And, more resigned with every move,

She finally admitted defeat;

I had won, but it didn’t feel like victory.

Chris Walters

February 20, 2014

Walters' Rules of Wrist 1-20-14 Thoughts on Bullies ( An incomplete work, in progress)

*Some behaviors of a bully:
1. When called out on wronging someone, even a friend, they laugh it off.
1A. When pressed on the matter they say “Stop being so hypersensitive”, making it the fault of the wronged party for feeling wronged.
1B. When pressed still further they act as though it’s an offense against them to suggest their behavior was unacceptable.
1C. Bullies will gaslight you, meaning they will seize on any aspect of your character that could, in any circumstance, render your judgment questionable, and use it against you to get out of blame. For example, if you have anxiety then they couldn’t possibly be driving too fast.
2. They only apologize if there are consequences for their actions, such as loss of freedom, money, goods, or social standing, or physical violence against their person.
2A. Such apologies are usually delivered angrily, in order to demonstrate the burden such a thing entails. The apology also will likely contain justifications for the behavior, probably some victim blaming, and not express any regret for committing the offense, just for the consequences suffered by the bully.
3. If the bully feels wronged in some way, in their mind it is worse than anything they have ever done to anyone else, and they must have justice.
4. When told that a belief they have is wrong a bully will raise their voice to try and intimidate the person into not correcting them, most especially in front others. The truth of the matter is irrelevant; someone correcting them is unacceptable. They will loudly spout convoluted nonsense, and consider it a victory if the other person gives up.
5. They can’t tell the difference between not being allowed to bully others and being bullied themselves.

Thoughts on dealing with bullies:
*When a person has decided not to put up with the bullying anymore there is rarely any way, short of actual violence, to change the bully’s behavior. Violence has consequences that potentially include jail, injury, and social repercussions. Consider carefully.

*If the bully is a family member, or has been considered a friend, and the bullying has been emotional rather than violent, then attempting to change the dynamic of the relationship will probably not work. The victim is subordinate and, according to the bully, must stay in their role. If you determine you are too good for such treatment, then consider yourself too good for trying to change the unchangeable, and be done with that person.

*Some bullies were made so by being victims themselves. Some are born assholes. Some are even just plain evil. The victim-type can change, but they must do the work. The others can’t change. It doesn’t matter which version you’re dealing with; you can’t fix them. If you can avoid them, do so.

* Bullying born of victimization often shows as a hatred of victims for their weakness. This is self-directed spite being externalized; it is a traumatized person punishing the weakness of their past self as represented by another person.

Victim-bullies can be bizarrely insensitive. For example a rape victim saying “I can’t believe she’s not over it. I got raped and I’m over it”.
Two things to note:

1. They aren’t over it

2. You can’t help them

See to your own wellbeing, and don’t put up with being mistreated. It’s up to them to get help.

*The three types of bullies and violence:
No bully backs down because of a threat they consider empty. Many specialize in empty threats, so think all threats are empty. If they have never seen you engage in violence then they won’t believe that you’ll hit them just because you say so.

Victim-bullies may not back down if a single punch is thrown. They are likely suffering untreated post-traumatic stress, and any violence against them may be a trigger for them, making them even more violent. Even if you’re defending yourself.  If you have no choice but to fight you must fight until they stop.

A born asshole (ie a clinical narcissist) will probably call the cops if you throw the first punch, and scream and yell about how they didn’t deserve that, no matter what they’ve done to you. However, if they initiate violence and you beat them down, they may avoid you forever.

Someone evil (a psychopath) will gladly just kill or maim you with no second thoughts. If you manage to beat them in a fight they will jump you later, or shoot you in the back. The only way to be safe from them is to kill them, but this could land you in prison. They are best avoided entirely.

-More as it occurs to me.